


Fading

by orphan_account



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst, No Romance, Pre-Canon, They're bitches to each other, This is sorta old but being posted now, Time Skips, Underage Drinking, they fight and thats it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-29
Updated: 2019-11-29
Packaged: 2021-02-26 04:28:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,385
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21607567
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Evan Hansen and Jared Kleinman have a rocky relationship during their senior year. They were once friends, but went through something that damaged their friendship beyond repair. This is what happened.
Comments: 1
Kudos: 6





	1. Evan

**Author's Note:**

> Hey this is kinda old, so writing isn't as great as mine currently. I edited a bit of it, but don't want to mess with it too much for preservation reasons. But I still really like this and while I'm working on the new chapter of something else, I'm posting this.

“Thank you so much for taking Evan, I’ve just been so busy lately.”  
Evan stood by his mother’s side, clutching her leg. His faded blue eyes darted across the room, looking for his friend. He stood at nearly 3’6, but he claimed that his hair made him an inch taller. He tugged at his shirt, a habit his mother pestered him about.   
“No problem Heidi, I know how rough things have been since the divorce.” The other woman replied, her ashy hair pulled back. “With you working all the time, I don’t see how you could possibly raise the little scoundrel on your own.” Soon the conversation launched into rent, paychecks, and other things that Evan didn’t know or care about. They sounded very grown-up, nothing that concerned him.   
Light thuds echoed the room, a small child racing down the staircase. “Evan!” He jumped the last stair, his brown hair ruffled. His grey shirt was stained by ketchup, and his jeans showed the jade stains of falling in the grass. He smiled, showing off his missing front teeth.   
“Jared!” Evan left the protection of his mother, and went to greet his friend. Jared was much shorter than Evan, something that he used to tease him about. It was only a few inches, but at five years old, you take every opportunity to feel tall. With a quick goodbye to their moms, they took off to Jared’s room, racing each other up the stairs. Evan has been to Jared’s house so many times, he could make his way around blindfolded. More than any other friend, but he was glad. He’s known Jared for his entire life, and they’ve always done everything together. They’ve always been at each other’s birthdays, always invited each other over for dinner, and they were always each other’s first picks for everything. And now, Evan has been over nearly every single day, when his mother was working and unable to afford a babysitter.   
They fell on Jared’s floor, and pulled out his cards. It always made them feel grown-up to be playing blackjack or another game of sorts, even though they could be outside playing baseball or playing on Jared’s game console. None of them were good, but they both considered themselves exellcent players.  
“You better be careful Jared, I won against my mom last night.” Evan teased, holding up his cards.  
“Sorry Evan, but I have skills. I beat you last time, so you better be worried.” Jared retorted, his blue eyes shining with mischief. A small stack of dollars and coins piled between them, the winner’s to keep. They shot back and forth, every insult lined with friendship.   
“You ready for Kindergarten?” asked Jared, breaking Evan out of thought. “It’s gonna be bad waking up early everyday, with homework and stuff.”  
Evan shrugged. “I’m kinda excited for it, learning to read and stuff. I don’t know.”  
“I guess.”  
“Hopefully were in the same class.” Evan added, smiling.  
Jared looked at him and returned the smile. “Yeah.”

>*<

  
Kids were screaming, adults trying to calm them down with no success, and cheaply made seats dotted with a mysterious sticky stain. A field trip, for a fifth grade outdoor school program, leaving a three hour bus ride with sugar-hyped kids. Jared was walking around the bus, practically shouting. Evan trailed, but he was much more quiet than his friend. Two complete opposites, but yet they couldn’t be better friends. Evan was quiet and kept to himself, but Jared was loud and the class clown. Currently fulfilling his role. Jared was joking around with a group of kids.  
“So it turns out having glasses sucks, because I was at this game, you see…” He was tapping his glasses, prescribed a month ago. The other kids were loving the story, laughing at Jared’s misfortune. Evan just hung to the side, awkwardly pulling at his shirt. He loved being Jared’s friend, but he didn’t know how to make new ones. And with no other ones, he was forced to follow him when he joked with another group. But it was okay, it was mostly just the two of them. It has been just the two of them for the entirety of school, the two of them hanging out. He was okay with it.  
The laughs brought Evan back from his thoughts, Jared at the climax of his story. Evan tapped his fingers on the chair, one of his many anxious habits. He just stared at his shoes, hoping for Jared to go back to their seats. Not that he wanted to restrain Jared, but that he felt invasive and awkward hanging by the side.  
As if some invisible god heard his wish, one of the distressed chaperones ushered the pair to their seats. They squeezed past their bags, holding supplies for a week at camp. Jared started searching his bag, while Evan lost himself in his head, staring out the window. Pines lined the road, freckles of light fighting to reach the ground.  
“Don’t-don’t you just, uh, love trees?” Evan asked, hoping to break the silence. Jared glanced up, his glasses slipping off his nose.  
“Uh, I guess? I don’t know.” He pushed his glasses back up, cursing his glasses. He stood up and looked over the seat, and struck up a conversation with the people behind, leaving Evan to once more sit behind. He pretended to not notice, and just continued to look out the window. His mind raced, a new thought appearing for every time his leg bounced or his fingers tapped.   
Stop it. You’re overreacting. He scorned himself. But thoughts still slipped in, each one telling him how alone and awkward he is. He pulled at his shirt, and tried to ignore the thoughts. 

>*<

  
“Evan, be excited! It’s your first day of middle school, hey! You’ll get to see Jared again!” Heidi motivated, standing in the kitchen.  
Evan sunk lower in his chair. “I guess.” He chose to leave out the fact that Jared, his one friend, has been ignoring his texts for the last few weeks.   
Heidi frowned, and moved to the table, sitting down. “Honey, are you feeling well? You can skip today if you don’t feel good.” She reached her hands out, across the table.  
Evan quickly drew his hands away. “No, mom. I’m-I’m good. Seriously. It’s going to be great. I promise.”  
She looked at him, full of doubt. “Well, if you say so, you should probably get going.” Evan nodded, bolting towards the door. “Hey.” Heidi called. Evan looked back, about to open the door. “I love you.”  
Evan nodded, and left the house. He took the familiar path to school, having practiced it over the summer. The monochromatic passing of white-picket fences calmed, the routine bringing a sense of peace. Time slipped by, and soon the concrete building came into view, cliques of preteens milling around the yard. It buzzed with the excitement of a new year, but Evan walked with his head low, avoiding any eye contact at all. He found himself in a corner, a bench hidden under a tree. He didn’t sit down, not wanting to look like a creep, but leaned against the wall. Evan tried to act casual, sticking one hand in his pocket, legs crossed, but his too stiff posture and terrified face kept him from that goal. He looked around, trying to find Jared anywhere in the crowd.   
It’s strange, the first day back, seeing how everyone changed. Some have glow-ups, others carry themselves differently. People mingle with new groups, laughing at different jokes. It’s strange how much people change in three months, how different they seem when you take a step back.  
Evan hung to the shadows for a few minutes, before giving up and heading towards his first class. The math wing was much less crowded, with only a few people hanging. They all awkwardly mingled, losers looking for a place to escape the crowds. Nerds with big glasses and braces looking to escape bullies, edgy kids sticking to themselves. Evan took a seat against the wall, close to one of the tougher looking kids he vaguely recognized.  
“Are, are we uh, supposed to...supposed to be here? Unsupervised?” Evan managed to ask, trying to break the ice.   
“Probably not.” The boy simply replied. He tucked his long hair behind his ear. He wore a black sweater with lace-up boots, with chipped black nail polish. “So what are you doing here? You look like a fucking goody-two shoes.”   
Evan recoiled, partly from the language and partly the bluntly rude statement. His hands started getting sweaty, and he started tapping his fingers. “I, I guess, just kinda just waiting for class to start, you?”  
The kid was about to say something, but the bell rang before he could. The kid popped up without a word, and soon the hallways were flooded. He had no choice but to go to class.  
Evan found a desk to sit at in the back corner of the room, quietly waiting while kids noisily entering the room. They filled the room, but avoided Evan. A latecomer took the seat one over, with only a few seats left. The class flew by, the teacher going over the rules and the welcomes of the new year. Break slipped by with no sight of Jared. Soon enough it was lunch, and he didn’t want to spend another hour of sitting alone.  
However, he quickly saw a certain bespectacled friend. “Jared!” Jared locked eyes with Evan, and made his way over.   
“Evan! Awesome to finally see you again!” Jared smiled.  
“Yeah, you too. Did, um, did you get my texts?” Evan darted his eyes towards the ground, his heart racing, scared to hear the answer.  
“Oh, yeah. I got my phone taken away for like a week because they looked through my search history. Let me tell you, it is not pretty.” Evan awkwardly chuckled, unsure of what to do. Especially since there were texts from much longer than a week ago.  
“Well, do you want to like, sit down, or, something?” Evan proposed, his stomach in knots.  
“Evan, we’re like, family friends. We’re not really friends. Just tell your mom to tell my mom how nice I’ve been.”  
Evan took a step back, startled. His best friend of 12 years suddenly just brushed it off, ignoring all of their history. “Yeah, yeah yeah. Totally. I’ll...I’ll do that.”  
Jared lightly punched his arm. “Thanks. Bye!” Jared hopped off to go see his other friends. Evan stood watching for a minute. He was joking with the popular kids, and they all seemed so happy. Like they’ve never had their only friend just off them from their lives. He couldn’t take it, he ran off back to the math buildings. It was empty, and he pulled on one of the doors. It opened, but nobody was inside. Probably left unlocked by mistake, he ran inside and locked the door.  
He started pacing the room. The clock ticked with his heart, which seemed to pound out of his chest. The world seemed to sway beneath his feet, and breathing seemed impossible. Time seemed like a foreign concept, he wasn’t too sure how long has passed. Intrusive thoughts swirled in his head, mocking him, belittling him, telling him how worthless he was.  
How could Jared just brush him off like that? After years of friendship, after so much memories, it just all goes to waste. So many smiles, so many laughs shared. Racing bikes down the street in kindergarten, passing notes in third grade. Everything was forgotten. And where would that leave Evan? Jared was his only friend. There’s no way he’ll be able to make new ones.   
A loser. That’s what Evan is. His one friend left him, and now he’ll spend lunches alone, have no one to spend the nights at. Too scared to talk to anyone, too anxious to find new friends. He couldn’t help it. He fell on the ground. Tears started streaming down his face. He took effort to cry silently, to not let anyone hear him.  
Turns out it isn’t going to be a good day. Or a week or even a year. Look at him, a friendless loser crying in an empty classroom. Evan scorned himself.  
He looked up at the clock, wiping his eyes. Lunch was almost over. He pulled himself off the ground, wiping his nose on his sleeve. He walked out, keeping his head low and arms wrapped around himself. The rest of the day seemed to pass in a blur, like a feverish dream.  
Heidi was waiting by the door inside, and wrapped Evan in a hug when he entered. She pulled away, asking, “Honey, how was your first day?” Then, noticing something was off, she added, “Oh, are you alright?”  
Evan pulled away. “Nothing. Really.”   
Heidi shook her head. “Buddy, I know something’s wrong. I’m your mother, you can tell me anything.”  
“Well Jared kinda told me that we’re not really friends anymore so I have no more friends and am just sorta a friendless loser right now.” He rushed his words, each blending together.   
“Oh, I’m so sorry, sweetie.” Heidi went for another hug, but Evan took a step back.  
“No, no, no, really, it’s fine.” Evan’s hands started sweating, his heart speeding up.   
“Listen, I was thinking, I know that lately you’ve been not feeling great. And I was thinking, I signed you up for therapy with Dr. Sherman, how does that sound? It’s a road to recovery, this will help you. Build your confidence, seize the day.” Heidi held out an awkward thumbs up. “What do you say? First session is next Tuesday.”  
Evan’s face went red. “No, I’m, I’m-” He sighed. “You know what, sure. Why not, I have nothing to lose.”  
Heidi squeezed his shoulders, her face beaming. “I’m so proud of you, you’ll be better soon. I just know it”  
Evan let out a half laugh. “Sure.”

>*<

  
Evan walked the hallway, brushing past everyone. He tried to not draw attention to himself, which proved easy. So many teenagers are wrapped into the struggles of sophomore year, that they tend to overlook him. With the start of the second week, everyone is beginning to settle down. It’s the same as every other year since middle school, his anxiety and depression always getting the best of him. Keeping him to the shadows, with Jared as his only friend, if he still counts as one.  
Evan turned the corner, and crashed into someone.   
“Do you even look where you walk?”   
He looked up, and felt his heart stop. A girl with dusty brown hair was in front of him, her flannel halfway off her shoulder thrown off by the bump, showing her plain grey shirt beneath.  
“Sorry sorry I’m so sorry, I wasn’t looking where I was walking and I just turned the corner and I didn’t see you and I just bumped into you I’m sorry it’s all my fault.” Evan sputtered. The girl gave him a weird look and walked away. There was something so pretty about her simple looks, her dirty converse paired with friendship bracelets.  
“Are you seriously hot for Connor Murphy’s little sister? Do you have a death wish?” Evan spun around to see Jared behind him, wearing his typical jacket over a gaming shirt.  
“You’ll have better luck putting your dick in a woodchipper than in Zoe with that freak as her brother.” He teased.  
Evan’s face went red. “No no no no no I don’t want to do that, I think she’s really pretty and I would want to talk with her and comfort her and watch movies with her and laugh with her and-”  
Jared cut him off. “Okay sure. Whatever. Just don’t let Connor strangle you in your sleep. Unless you’re into that sort of stuff. I don’t judge. I think it’s quite beautiful, actually.” Jared walked off with finger guns, leaving Evan alone with his thoughts. Leaving him all alone with his feelings for Zoe, and subconsciously throwing all his hope on her, that one day she might look at him, not at his crippling depression or social anxiety, but see someone that she loves. A blank slate, where he can start all over and leave his insecurities behind. Someone he could trust, for forever. Someone that will stick with him, no matter what.


	2. Jared

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan just told his side of the story, of what happened between him and Jared. Now it's time for the other side.

Jared sat in his room, the fan on full blast. His window was thrown open, hoping to catch a lazy breeze. He was thrown limp against his desk chair, absentmindedly checking his computer. Summer vacation seemed to drag on, the last few weeks painfully boring. But with the start of middle school looming at the end, he’d rather the weeks drag painfully on then have to face school. Having to face the towering pile of consequences he’s built himself. His phone buzzed, as if his thoughts conjured it. He picked it up, seeing a text from Evan. Another one to add to the 57 other ones he’s ignored. He wasn’t sure what made him do it, what prompted him to leave the first one unread. Pettiness? Laziness? Or a desperate attempt for popularity? No. I’m not like that.  
Right?  
Jared put his phone back down, trying to distance himself from his problems. He opened up his computer, browsing Reddit, hoping to lose himself in memes. Mindless scrolling, his mind slipped into the comfortable void of complete emptiness.

*

  
Buzzing woke him up, the harsh chirps sending Jared upright in bed. First day of middle school, first day of another year of self-hate. He got ready, his parents not up yet. They’re never awake to see him off to school, or really around for much in general. But it never really bothered him, it’s just another part of his already shitty life.  
He walked himself to school, after making a wrong turn. The bell rang shorty after he arrived, keeping him from seeing his friends. If you could even call them friends. Sure, they’ve texted over the summer and has met quite a bit, but he’s always felt on the outside of the group, never really fitting in. Just there for comedic relief, his snarky comments and witty jokes the only things keeping him in. But it was okay because he had the feel of popularity. Flying around different groups, but managing to stay with the cool kids.  
The first half of the day flew by, classes a blur and hanging out with a group of popular kids. Pretty good, he’s managed to avoid the one thing--or rather person--he’s wanted to. Jared knew he had to talk to Evan eventually, but he wanted to delay the inevitable for as much as he could. Wanting for the temporary peace and false sense of belonging to last for as long as it could.   
Lunch began, and Jared was heading down the hall when he heard a familiar voice call his name. Jared made his way over, pushing through the crowd. “Evan! Awesome to finally see you again!” Jared smiled, a false cheeriness hiding a crushing feeling in his stomach.  
“Yeah, you too. Did, did you get my texts?” Evan stuttered. Jared felt like he couldn’t breathe, like a hand was slowly crushing his stomach.  
“Oh, yeah. I got my phone taken away for like a week because they looked through my search history. Let me tell you, it is not pretty.” A plain lie. His phone was never taken away, he just couldn't explain that he choose to not answer his texts. With each word a little part of him died, but he was too far in by the time he opened his mouth.  
Evan looked devastated, but replied. “Well, do you want to like, sit down, or something?”  
“Evan, we’re like, family friends. We’re not really friends. Just tell your mom to tell my mom how nice I’ve been.” He felt filthy. His one true friend, the only friend he’s had that’s genuinely been amazing, has been Evan. And now, he just brushed him off, stomping him until he became merely a spot in Jared’s life.  
“Yeah, yeah yeah. Totally. I’ll...I’ll do that.” He could hear the heart break in Evan’s words, his voice cracking finishing the sentence.  
Jared lightly punched his arm, trying to put all of his words of apologies into it. “Thanks. Bye!” He walked away, needing to leave. He couldn’t stand what he just did. He needed to escape. He hurried off to his so-called-friends, trying to ease the pain in jokes. Trying to lose himself in the laughter. You’re the clown, so your life must seem light-hearted.  
The rest of the day flashed passed, the words and lectures of the teachers just a droning background noise. Voices of taunt and mockery sneering at him, yelling at him. Telling him what a terrible person he is, for abandoning his friend, for his desperate attempts to climb to something resembling popularity. Telling him how worthless he is. How awful he is.   
Jared was soon back home, and threw himself on his chair, refusing to break down. He wouldn’t. No. He pulled out his computer, hoping to distract him from his worries. To forget Evan, everything. He pulled up Reddit, sighing at what he did to himself.

>*<

  
Jared was walking the hallways, the familiar rows of lockers lining the path. He pushed past everyone, his small height and sophomore year making him overlooked. He saw Evan at the end of the hallway, his heart filled with guilt. He was staring at Zoe Murphy, a warm smile on his face. Jared approached him, trying his best for small talk to convey what he was feeling.  
“Are you seriously hot for Connor Murphy’s little sister? Do you have a death wish?” Jared snuck up behind him, and Evan jumped, surprised. “You’ll have better luck putting your dick in a woodchipper than in Zoe with that freak as her brother.” He teased, not too sure what else to say. Humor conveys a false confidence, something he really needed.  
“No no no no no I don’t want to do that, I think she’s really pretty and I would want to talk with her and comfort her and watch movies with her and-” Evan stuttered, his face a bright shade of red.  
Jared cut him off with a wave of his hand. “Okay sure. Whatever. Just don’t let Connor strangle you in your sleep. Unless you’re into that sort of stuff. I don’t judge. I think it’s quite beautiful, actually.” Jared joked, not too sure what else to say. Sensing how awkward he was, he walked off, with finger guns at Evan.   
He wasn’t too sure how to feel about Evan’s crush on Zoe. It was a sign of him healing, right? A source of light in the darkness, something for Evan to rely on. Which was good, but it hurt him to see Evan having a life without Jared. Which was mostly his own fault, but it still hurt. That he’s been reduced to quick conversations in the corners of hallways. Just a small speck in Evan’s life. He ran off, trying to deal with his feelings. The encounter stuck at the back of his mind the entire day, never leaving, constantly nagging.

*

  
Nothing like booze and depression for a good time. Jared was clutching a photo book in one hand, and an almost empty bottle of whisky. Pictures of two smiling boys beamed at Jared, pure joy on their faces.   
“Best friends forever my ass.” He mumbled to himself, his voice cracking. He flipped through the pages, a dimly lit lamp providing the only light. Outside was pitch-black, setting the mood for a 3am mental breakdown. Jared took another sip of his drink, burning his throat. But the fire soon warmed him, bringing warmth instead of damage. His head was spinning, and his vision was blurred, although from the tears or booze he couldn’t tell.  
“Stupid Jared Kleinman, always fucking things up. Can’t even keep the one friend he had in his life.” He tossed the photobook aside, and wiped his eyes. His cheeks were wet from crying, his nose pink and runny. “Pretty fucking ironic that the class clown, the ever so hilarious Jared Kleinman, is one fat joke.” Tears ran down faster, but he didn’t bother to wipe them. There’s no one to see you, no one to how how much of a disaster you are at three am on a weekend, because you have no friends to visit. No friends that will really care if you show up the following week at school.  
Expect Evan.   
But why should he? All I’ve ever done is push him away, leaving him for people that barely glance in my direction. Jared laughed bitterly, biting his tongue. Why should Evan care if he just disappeared? Abandoning a friend just for a glimpse of popularity, to hang around with the “cool kids”. But they don’t even care. You can’t ignore the looks of disgust when you join them, the split second enough to let you know how they really feel. And yet everytime Evan tries to rebuild their friendship, a pull into his old life, he cuts him off. For what reason, guilt, embarrassment, anger, whatever, it stops him. Stops him from reconnecting.  
And he’s seen Evan, what happened to him. Ever since Jared started pulling away, his depression and anxiety worsened. He’s seen Evan eat alone every day, his stutters every time he opens his mouth, the medications and therapists he’s had to seen. All because of Jared. His childhood best friend.   
Jared took another bottle from the unlocked liquor cabinet, drinking desperately. Wishing to ease the pain. Even his own parents don’t seem to care for him, leaving for the weekend with no regard to even lock up the liquor cabinet. Sure, it proved convenient, but the statement it left was clear. Because why should anyone care for Jared? Jared, the massive dick and backstabbing friend.   
Jared sat down, angry at himself and the world. Suppose he'll never be the perfect friend, or anywhere near, but he longs for Evan back. To put aside the tense past he’s made himself, to just become close once more to Evan. That’s all he asks for.


End file.
